It was hard to separate the Anger phase from the Depression phase. I think I volleyed between the two for a while. One aspect of this change in churches that greatly disappointed me was the support group I had left behind. I had been motivated to start a support group for the parents of special needs kids in the summer of 2008 after talking to a mom at Antioch. She felt she could benefit from meeting with parents that were going, or had gone, through some of the same struggles she was having with her special needs child. We met once a month on Wednesday nights at Antioch. As I felt abandoned myself, I felt guilty that I was abandoning them the same way. This was a ministry I felt passionate about, and so many families needed it. Antioch had about 10-12 families caring for a child with some sort of disability. Just walking away from them the way I did made me feel sick. Logistically, I couldn’t continue the ministry, because they needed a leader that was a full-time member at Antioch. When I asked one of the children’s ministers at this new church whether or not there were other kids like my son here, she named one other child that had some struggles. I felt like I couldn’t be of use here and that I was denying God’s purpose for my life.

I desperately missed my hens. I could connect with them once or twice a week before, but now we were scattered all over Nashville on Sundays and Wednesdays. We rarely saw each other, and the loss was like losing a limb. I spent my Saturdays dreading church the following day. Sunday became a day I hated. Worship for me was ANYTHING but joyful. My husband and friends could tell I was miserable and suggested that if I hated this new church so much, maybe I should find somewhere else I could be happy. I knew that it wasn’t that simple. I didn’t think I’d find a place to be happy because I was so jaded. The foundations of my faith were shaken. Why would I want to devote my life to another church family for another twelve years or more just to see this happen again someday? All of those scriptures about the body of Christ and unity in Him felt like a load of bunk to me. Church politics just seemed inevitable. People were going to worship together until something annoyed them, and then they’d move on to greener pastures. The concept of a home church started looking pretty good to me. I wouldn’t have to form any new relationships, I could just worship. Of course, this didn’t sit well with my family, so I had to suck it up and go to church every Sunday. I was drifting aimlessly, because my anchor was missing. I felt so alone and very far from God. I couldn’t even talk to Him anymore.