September 6, 2015
A Change Is Gonna Come (Part 2)
It’s been 8 months since I began this journey. I have lost 23 pounds. And it has taken me all 8 months to lose them. I would get so discouraged in the beginning. Working out 4 times a week and eating better, only to GAIN 2 pounds at the end of the week. I’m now about 5 pounds from my goal weight, but I’m totally happy right here. I’m looking better than I have since 1998 B.C. (Before Children). But honestly, the best part about this whole process is how I feel both physically and emotionally. I have so much more energy! I used to wake up, and my first thought was, “How soon can I get a nap today?” On Wednesday, I napped for the first time in weeks, and it was only for 30 minutes, as opposed to the 2-hour napfests I used to have on a regular basis. Part of this is from weight loss, part of this is from my job at Bates Nursery. This job has given me a purpose that I didn’t have before (and a reason to get up off of the couch and DO SOMETHING), and it’s helped to get me in better shape by unloading flat after flat after FLAT of flowers and plants. Aside from the increase in energy and strength, losing the weight has given me confidence. Just as my local chorus and church praise team have helped me to find the courage to put my vocal talent to use, b.fab has helped me “bring sexy back”. I no longer feel the need to hide my body in baggy clothes, or stand still when everyone else in the room is dancing (for fear of looking like Elaine from Seinfeld dancing at her office party). It’s been a long time since I’ve felt sexy. I still have moments of feeling like a dork in .funk class (I can’t body roll to save my life, but I can grapevine like nobody’s business), but for the most part, I have lost a lot of my inhibitions, and I’m willing to let loose, no matter how goofy I feel sometimes. A couple of months ago, I started leading our physical warm-ups at chorus rehearsals about once every 6 weeks or so. I NEVER would’ve volunteered to do this a few years ago!
So this brings me to the whole body shaming issue. I’m 5’2″, and I was 143 pounds back in January. Putting these numbers into a BMI calculator had me categorized as overweight. Yet, if I said anything about needing to lose a few pounds, people would gasp in horror. “Oh stop it, you don’t need to lose anything. Whatever.” Maybe I hid it well, maybe people were just trying to be polite, but I was overweight. Once I started losing the weight, I started getting comments like, “OK, you can stop now.” Or, “Are you sure you’re remembering to eat?” When I looked up my BMI a few days ago, I discovered that a normal range for someone of my height is 101-136 pounds. I am in the middle of this range, nowhere near in danger of becoming emaciated. I assure you, folks, I do not have a weight loss obsession, or an eating disorder. I don’t need your pity or concern if I choose to order a salad for dinner. Because I’m working so hard, and a lot of people know I’m working hard, I mostly don’t mind hearing, “Gah! You’re so skinny!” But part of me goes back to my high school days when I WAS super skinny, and I was CONSTANTLY getting teased about my weight. I HATED being so skinny. Telling me I should just eat some donuts or something was not at all helpful. Believe me, I was eating All. The. Time. Unless you are a doctor or an internet troll, the vast majority of us wouldn’t dream of telling someone they should skip that pizza for dinner or they could stand to lose a few pounds. Why do we think it’s ok to tell someone “You’re so skinny! Eat a sandwich or something!” Can’t we just be cheerleaders? Do we HAVE to give commentary on everyone’s size? If you notice someone has lost weight, maybe just tell them how fabulous you think they look. For the record, I am SO grateful for all of the “Atta girl!!” comments I’ve gotten from friends and family. Your encouragement has given me a huge boost in confidence.
I’ve given praise to the people of B.Fab.Fitness for encouraging me along the way, but let me take a minute to give some props to my biggest cheerleader. Tim has given me all the support I needed. He never tried to sabotage my efforts. At times when my willpower just wasn’t strong enough during a 24 Day Challenge and I was ready to drive to Sonic, he would encourage me to stick to my goal, instead of saying, “It’s just a milkshake! You can work it off later!” Ladies, let me tell you something about this man. Tim is the same person today that I fell in love with 24 years ago, and that’s a person that rarely if ever gives commentary on physical appearance. Whether it’s watching TV or movies together or out together on a date, I never hear about how beautiful other women are, unless I’M the one to bring it up. Men, let me tell you why that is SO important: When Tim tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, I don’t feel the need to doubt it or compare myself to some supermodel he’s always going on and on about. Our young girls will never believe us when we tell them that they’re beautiful just the way they are, if we’re constantly critiquing the physical appearance of other women. Trust me on this. I wanted to get in better shape for ME, not because I thought that’s what my husband would want. He thought I was sexy last year, and he thinks I’m sexy now (just maybe a little more so). But mostly what makes me a little more sexy to him today is the confidence I’ve gained in the last several months. Being comfortable in your own skin, THAT is sexy. After decades of struggling with my self confidence, I think I’m finally turning a corner.