June 22, 2018
Summer Solstice
Spring is over, and I am not sorry to see it go. By all accounts, it was the weirdest, most difficult Spring in years. But Summer is shaping up to be so much better.
A third antidepressant was added to the mix, so these days, I’m feeling almost like the me I used to be. I have more energy and desire to get stuff done in the yard. I’m also able to let go of most of the guilt I feel about not being productive on my days off. Instead, I’m allowing myself some grace to rest and relax. The craziness of the Spring season at Bates is over. At the same time I was put on an additional medication, the source of a significant amount of conflict and stress at work was identified and terminated. This does mean that I’ll be working more hours during summer and winter than I usually do, but I’m ok with it. After all, we will have a kid in college soon. YIKES. Now that the drama is over, I’m once again excited about my job, and I look forward to being there every day. I’ve also been able to rearrange my schedule so that I have Mondays off. For the 7 months or so that the nursery is closed on Sundays, I get two consecutive days off. I can not tell you how wonderful this has been for me. I actually go back to work on Tuesdays feeling rested, as opposed to barely recovered from my day off Sunday, work all day Monday, try to recover again on Tuesday, then work 4 more days.
Susan Pneuman is walking alongside Tim and I to find resources that will help us as we parent an adult with autism. She is the new director of Otter Creek’s special needs ministry. It is SO difficult for me to ask for help. Fortunately, Susan saw my posts about Pierce on social media and reached out to me. She’s spent some time with Pierce, and because I find it such a daunting and mentally exhausting task, she’s investigating potential services and helping us decide which ones are best for him. I can’t possibly thank her enough.
Weekly counseling sessions are ongoing. Apparently, I still have a lot more unpacking to do. My therapist tells me I should write a book, but she probably says that to all of her patients. I’m spending less and less time on social media. I so appreciate everyone’s concern, prayers, and encouragement. I know some of you are following me closely, hoping for positive updates, so I continue to post things on Facebook, Instagram, and (occasionally) Twitter. Though Twitter so quickly sends me into a rage spiral, due to the fact that it’s such an out of control dumpster fire, so I’m barely on it. I check likes and comments on my Facebook and Instagram posts, but I don’t hang out on the newsfeed for more than a few minutes. I’ve turned off notifications on my phone; with my phone constantly lighting up, it was one more thing draining my mental energy. Instead, I’m spending more time reading and listening to music.
Several months ago, Tim and I decided that we would go back to Otter Creek Christian Camp this summer as staff (Pierce, too). When I was at my worst, I started thinking about how fun but completely exhausting camp can be, and I considered backing out. Tim convinced me not to make any rash decisions with the state-of-mind I was in. I’d been dreading this all Spring, but now, I’m a little excited and looking forward to being at camp. Pierce and I will be working the canteen, while Tim will be supervising games and water activities. This will be Reagan’s final year as a camper, and I know it’s going to be an emotional rollercoaster, but I think I’m better equipped to handle it than I was a few months ago. Church continues to be a struggle for me. I haven’t been in weeks. Part of that was me needing the rest on Sunday mornings before working in the afternoons. With Bates closed on Sundays until mid September, I’m hoping to return to Sunday morning services soon.
Progress has been frustratingly slow and difficult, but I’m in such a better place than I was a couple months ago. I’m hopeful about the future, and that’s something I haven’t been able to say in a very long time. I’ll just keep inching my way towards recovery.