April 12, 2019
Conservatorship
Today, a court decided that it would be in Pierce’s best interest to grant Tim and I conservatorship. This means that from this day forward, we are responsible for making any and all decisions regarding his welfare. It doesn’t really change our current way of life. Pierce has been dependent on us for nearly 21 years. But somehow, hearing a judge say that we were terminating his rights made his future feel determined and permanent. This is a process that we should’ve started three years ago when Pierce turned 18, but we were either daunted by the task or in denial that it actually needed to be done. We haven’t been challenged by many people when we’ve spoken for Pierce, but it has happened, and I can see this will be an issue as he continues to age. This is one more step in the journey to set up care for an adult son with autism. We still need to get the ball rolling on social security benefits, create a special needs trust, and figure out health insurance options. I opened a bank account for Pierce today. I had to show the court documents as proof that I can legally make financial decisions for my adult son. He will have a bank card with his name on it, but the account belongs to me and Tim. The home renovations that we’re planning to start soon will be in two phases. In phase two, we will give Pierce a more private place to live downstairs, in case living in a group home down the road doesn’t work out. It will be similar to a mother-in-law suite.
This time last year, I was so mired in the bog of depression, I had no mental energy to be proactive in planning for Pierce’s future or keep track of graduation/college requirements for Reagan’s upcoming senior year. In counseling, I told Tim and my therapist that after 20 years of being the parent that stayed on top of things, knowing everyone’s schedules, what papers needed to be signed, how much money each child owed for clubs, youth activities, etc., I was tapping out. I’d gotten the kids through childhood, now I needed someone else to take over. Tim didn’t hesitate, question, or complain. He just said, “absolutely, yes, I will take the lead.” He took Pierce to get a picture ID (since Pierce doesn’t drive, he still didn’t have a legal form of identification at the age of 20). He researched college application deadlines for financial aid and housing for Reagan. He kept track of her schoolwork and grades and attended parent meetings. He got in touch with a lawyer and completed all of the paperwork that was necessary for us to seek conservatorship. I feel guilty for forcing Tim to take on such a burden, but I’m so grateful he’s been strong enough to carry it.
It is sobering to have an official declaration that Pierce is not capable of making health or financial decisions for himself, but it’s also reassuring to know that his future is less uncertain than it was a year ago. This takes away a little of that panicky feeling I get when I think about what lies ahead for Pierce, me and Tim, and Reagan. I think we are slowly but surely headed in the right direction.