Hello, friends. It’s been a while. Fair warning: This post is a bit of a downer. Because I’m not okay right now.  

Even on meds, I can usually expect my mental health to take a dip twice a year. In winter, I go to Mexico for a couple of a months. I don’t have any such plan for the summer. I probably could go to Mexico for a month. It is painfully slow at the nursery right now. I’m searching for things to do, while at the same time, trying to move as little as possible because of the oppressive heat. This makes for a loooooooooong day.

At home, there is much to do outside. Unfortunately, being in the heat 8 hours a day zaps all of my energy. I have nothing left to give my garden at the end of the day. I do what I can early in the morning before I have to leave for work. With flowers to harvest, seeds to sow, plants to water, and weeds to pull, I can’t skip town for more than a few days right now. A month in Mexico is out of the question. 

There is nothing new to report on book publication. I’m waiting on the first round of edits to arrive from the publishers. I was told that the process would be tedious and that going weeks at a time without hearing from them was to be expected. But it is SO HARD to be patient. Meanwhile, I haven’t been inspired to write anything; not even a blog post (obviously).

The world is on fire. I find myself doom-scrolling on Twitter a few times a day. Instagram used to be the place for food, nature, and dog pics. It is no longer an escape from reality. It is increasingly obvious that I need to spend less time on social media. But, I’m supposed to be engaging with people more to generate publicity for my book. 

I’m listing these things as a way to explain how I feel right now. But depression doesn’t make sense. There is no rhyme or reason. I just feel shitty and I don’t know why. I’m tired and unmotivated, I struggle to find joy in the things I love, I want to eat everything in sight which makes me hate myself and my body. Depression fucking sucks. 

I’m trying to believe what I’m telling people: I’m not okay right now, but I will be eventually.