It’s almost fall and I’ve made it to another September. Huzzah! The last 12 months have been an emotional roller coaster. August is usually a tough month for me. It’s painfully slow at the nursery, and I’m working outside in hellish temperatures. This time last year, I was experiencing some pretty serious burnout. Because my love for cut flowers has grown a little more obsessive every year, I struggled to keep my huge garden maintained and flowers harvested while holding down a full-time job last summer. I was exhausted. I thought about quitting my job until Tim (ever the sensible one, damn him) asked me an important question. “Do you hate your job because you’re miserable, or are you miserable because you hate your job?” That gave me pause. I concluded that August probably wasn’t the best time to make major life decisions. In the fall, an idea was proposed that maybe I could display and sell cut flowers in the greenhouse at Bates. This gave me some hope and I got excited about the possibilities. I added some raised beds and bought more seeds and bulbs to make my 2023 cutting garden bigger than ever. I felt better about my job by the time my winter sabbatical in Mexico began. Then spring hit.

Bates Nursery has grown in size and customer base a little more every year but exponentially since the pandemic hit in 2020. Each of the last 4 years has presented more challenges to my physical stamina and mental health. Because of the polar blast last December and a late freeze in April, Bates saw an unprecedented spike in sales. More plants came into and flew out of the greenhouse than I’d ever had to manage before. It became evident pretty quickly that selling bouquets was a no-go. Customers needed so much emotional support and plant advice, and this left introverted me feeling like a wrung-out sponge at the end of every day. There was an additional layer of job stress this spring, but I won’t get into that. I was in a very bad place. I sought counseling for the first time in five years because of the hopelessness I was experiencing. Based on the last few years, it felt like every spring from now to eternity would become more unbearably chaotic. 

Then in May, I got the news that my vendor application for a spot at a local farmers market had been approved. I got the opportunity to create art with flowers. I began to believe that maybe my purpose in life was to bring people joy with my cut flowers instead of busting my ass to appease customers in a retail setting. I told Tim that I didn’t have another spring in me as greenhouse manager. With his support, I decided that I had to leave Bates Nursery and pursue this flower business. I cannot describe the feelings of relief and contentment that flooded my soul after that decision. I was happier than I’d been in months.

Building this business has been a sloooooooow process. The farmers market experience was rewarding and enlightening. I’m picking up some design work on the side. It’s never too late to start again; I turn 49 this week. I’m excited about this next chapter in my story. And that’s where my old friend Cautious Optimism comes strolling in. 

I’ve lived life on the precipice of disaster. I grew up believing that joy in this world seldom lasts. Though I’ve had hours of therapy, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shake that feeling of impending doom, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why can’t I just sit back and enjoy the ride instead of fearing and anticipating the next bump in the road? I’m so jealous of people who are able to live in the moment and totally savor it. I’d give anything to be like them.

It’s been a minute since I posted something new, and I know y’all were probably looking for an update on my new business. I’ll write about that soon. Today, I felt the need to give one of those “just keepin’ it real” posts; a little glimpse into my forever troubled mind. Here’s a few flower pics to end this on a not-so-dark note.

Flowers For A New Big Sister

Boutonnière and Bridal Bouquet

Last Week’s Flower Power Friday Arrangement