When Tim and I arrived on Christmas Day, I was not in a good place mentally. As fall morphs into winter every year, I watch the color drain from my garden, the lawn, and the trees and I die a little. In November I’m too busy with garden cleanup, fall planting, and dahlia digging/dividing to dwell on the internal change. In December, there are fewer outdoor tasks to occupy my time. The daylight fades earlier every day. A glaring personal flaw of mine is that I hate not being productive. And yet, the introvert in me can’t wait to lock myself indoors with a good book and just rest. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I battled two colds. I was wiped out on the couch for a couple of days which shouldn’t be a big deal in December. But I felt so guilty for lying around and accomplishing nothing. It was a perfect storm that left me deflated. I didn’t feel much like celebrating our 30th anniversary or Christmas. I finally put up and decorated the tree in mid-December because I knew I “should.” Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. Depression is such an asshole.  

When Tim and I first dreamed up this idea of a winter sabbatical four years ago, I was encouraged not to keep myself to a daily agenda and that I should just lean into being carefree and spontaneous. I’m the kind of person you don’t want on your vacation. I plan activities for the whole week. You should see the itinerary I created for our very first Disney vacation. It was a book. Every single day was planned down to the minute. I have no chill. So I try to be productive at being agenda-less while I’m here at the beach. I bring stacks of books, make lists of shows/movies to watch, write, and develop my business plan for the year. It’s a struggle not to berate myself when I get sucked into an internet wormhole that leaves me saying at five in the afternoon, “Did I accomplish ANYTHING today?” I’m a work in progress. 

The first week here in Chelem was only partly sunny. It took a few days to get a good sunset. But this past week has been gorgeous. It never ceases to amaze me that a few warm and sunny days can so drastically improve my mood. I like to joke that I’m solar-powered. The sun has melted some of my December fog away. I can cut myself a little slack. I haven’t journaled all weekend and the world continues to spin. I’m turning the corner and it feels amazing.